There are many books available claiming to be British racecourse guides, but they all omit certain vital information.  They tell you all of the stuff that you don't really need to know, such as admission prices, location, food and drink outlets, betting facilities and dress codes, but they leave out the most important information - What are the toilets like?

It is the intention of Ivor Donkey to correct this oversight, therefore in this article you will find out which are the best and the worst toilets on the racecourses of Britain.

I consider this to be such an important issue that I have elected to cover it on it's own, rather than on the Racecourses page.

I won't be able to cover every one that I've visited as it is impossible to remember all of them, so I've limited it to ten, a "S**t Parade", as you might say.

In the following descriptions, I will concentrate on "Number Ones", as I make a point of never doing "Number Twos" in public toilets, as you never know what raddled and acne ridden old bums have been sitting on them.

This is definitely one of the best ones, as is the case with most aspects of this racecourse.
Urinals as far as the eye can see, not very many wash basins, but that doesn't appear to matter as half of the dirty b******s who come in don't bother to wash their hands anyway.
There are hot air blowers to dry your hands, but the one on the right doesn't work half the time.  All in all though, highly recommended.

They appear to have gone for a "Just like being in your own bathroom" style with this toilet, pot plants, tiles and such.  The only problem is that you probably don't have twenty people in there with you, and more queuing outside the door in your own bathroom.  Yes, it's a bit small, but the worst thing is that instead of urinals, they've got one of those trenches along the bottom, which unless you can find a chair to stand on, results in wet shoes.  I find this very irritating, especially as the shoes that I normally wear to race meetings are light coloured, and splashes show up quite markedly.  Definitely room for improvement.

An excellent toilet which is also very spacious, lots of room for all of the "Big Nobs" that go to Royal Ascot.  This toilet also incorporates a cloakroom, which means that some poor bloke has to sit in there all day, he even eats his sandwiches in there -  rather him than me.  I wouldn't want to eat yards away from where people are doing "Big Jobbies", especially if they've had an industrial strength curry the night before.  Large mirrors at the far end make this toilet look even bigger, in fact it appears to go on forever.

Ascot also has an additional toilet outside the course entrance, which is handy if you've just completed a "Bladder-Burstingly" long journey and can't wait any longer.  This is of a significantly lower standard, but if you're that desperate you probably won't mind.

Absolutely appalling, too small, badly situated, and yes there's one of those damned trenches again instead of urinals, so you have to suffer the indignity of wet feet.  This toilet is situated in the members enclosure believe it or not.  I've only visited this course once and perhaps there's a better toilet that I missed, I certainly hope so because if this is the best that they can offer they should be ashamed of themselves, I wouldn't even take a dog in there to do it's business.  Definitely the worst I've visited - the rest of the course is good though.

This one is much better, sort of a mini version of the one at Ascot, except this time the cloakroom is outside the door so the attendant doesn't have to put up with the smell of "Big Jobbies" all day.  Urinals instead of trenches, so no wet feet, and hot air blowers which are much more civilized than towel dispensers.  A top notch toilet.

In common  with many aspects of racecourses in this part of the country, this toilet thinks that it's posher than it actually is.  For instance, the paper towels to dry your hands on are arranged in piles on a table instead of in a dispenser like anywhere else.  Needless to say you can't get in here unless you're wearing a jacket and tie.  I wouldn't be surprised if the toilet paper was made of gold leaf as well.  Definitely a toilet for the big nobs only, people without a public school accent should use the one in Tattersalls.

For such a high quality racecourse, this toilet is a bit of a disappointment.  The main reason for this is that it's got one of those dreaded trenches instead of urinals.  On the plus side though, it's made out of shiny metal, so that you can see your face in it as you're urinating all over your shoes.  The layout of this toilet makes it seem crowded when there's only a few people in there, and there's not enough wash basins either.  Average at best.

We'll start with the July course, this toilet gets far too overcrowded as it's way too small, a bit like the course itself really.  At a big meeting there is invariably a queue stretching outside the door.  Not enough sinks or urinals, overall, not up to the job.
The Rowley course toilet is much better, more room, more sinks and urinals and easier to get in and out of, a far more satisfying experience all round.

Towcester is a very rural racecourse, basic but functional would be a good description, and the toilet is very much in keeping with this.  There's everything you need in there but not a lot else.  There's not really much that I can say by way of praise or criticism.  Except for the fact that as it's partially underground the turds have less distance to travel to the sewage works.

The toilets in the members enclosure at Newbury are the best that you'll find anywhere, there are two or three of them and they're all of an equally high standard.  Lots of urinals and sinks, gleaming surfaces everywhere, and extremely spacious as well.  The upstairs ones tend to be less crowded as they're further away from the bars.  Definitely worth a visit.