(1)  When betting at Chester, always look out for a horse whose left legs are shorter than his right legs, if it's the other way round he'll end up in the river Dee.

(2)  Always back every English runner in the Breeders Cup, especially the sprint and the other dirt races.

(3)  Over the jumps, only bet in selling hurdles, novices hunter chases, and amateur riders races.  On the flat, bet only in nursery handicaps, ladies races, and 30 runner sprint handicaps.

(4)  Only bet at the following courses: Brighton, Folkestone, Chester, Epsom and Wolverhampton on the flat.  Towcester, Cartmel, Fontwell, Fakenham and Plumpton over the jumps.

(5)  Avoid all of the top jockeys, only back horses ridden by conditional jockeys, preferably women.

(6)  When betting on course with the Tote, join the queue which contains the largest percentage of oap's and/or women.  They always want to have a pound each way on about six different horses in every race.  So you'll eventually get to the front of the queue as the stalls are opening, which is too late, so you'll save yourself some money as your selection is bound to lose.
  This system is not possible during the jumping season (and I mean proper jumping, not this summer nonsense), as the "wrinklies" don't like the cold weather, so they watch the racing on television at home instead.  Most of the posh women that turn up at the big summer flat meetings will give it a miss as well, because nobody can see their "assets" under a large overcoat, and let's be honest, they couldn't give a toss about the racing.

(7)  Always log onto the 'Ivor Donkey's Saturday Special' page every Saturday without fail.  If only to prove to yourself that there's someone out there more inept at tipping than you are.

(8)  When you're on a losing run (as we all are at one time or another), double your stakes after each losing bet.  This will result in you either recovering all of your losses in one hit, or eventually running out of money, in which case you won't have to worry about betting any more.

(9)  When betting in maiden races on the flat, never back a horse that hasn't won before.

(10)  Do not under any circumstances use tipping services, it's bad enough losing your stake when your own selection gets trounced, but it's considerably worse when it's someone else's, as you also lose whatever you paid them for the tip, and make no mistake, their selections will lose more often than not.  The ones that actually win are such a short price that you're still out of pocket.

Stick with me, I may tip donkeys every week but at least I don't charge you for them.